Snow White and The Eight Dwarves
by N.C. Stormeye
Summary: Hair as black as ebony, skin as white as snow. Lips as red as blood. Snow White? Maybe, maybe not! A twisted take on my least favorite fairytale featuring my favorite pairing, Royai.
1. Prologue: The Beginning of The End

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Disney or Grimm's Fairy Tales. Oh, and if you think about it. If I owned FMA, would this really be a _fantasy_, hmm?

**CLAIMER: **I own Rory Fox Mustang and the Amestris Military Academy, or AMA. This is a play on the computer school here in the Philippines. Factoid: "The School of Today" is also the Academy's catchphrase.

**A/N: **I was reading **From Dante's Twisted Fairytales: Sleeping Beauty **by **_PolyginalWarrior_. **Okay, I was scanning the "Sleeping Beauty" part. Not to give anything away but Roy is the Prince, Riza the Princess, and Ed…Ed's a FAIRY! While telling my friend _Norika Hiwatari _(you can find her on Winglica, she's to blame for this) of this factoid, she goes and says, and I quote, "They should have Roy as the Princess. XD"

Well, I couldn't let an idea like that go to waste, could I? Of course not? So time for a little…okay, a lot of role reversal when I twist some fairytales of my own…hee hee hee.

Come to me my pretties. This is a story out of the Witch's Cauldron. It's time to turn the uber-playboy of Central into a chick for a change. This is still Royai though, albeit AU version. And the premise is kind of the same, except it's Roy's niece (See **The Niece **and **The Niece 2** for information) who's bored out of her mind.

Enjoy lovelies. Enjoy_**  
**_

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_**Snow White and the Eight Dwaves**_  
**A Corrupted Fairytale By: N. Stormeye**

**_Prologue: The Beginning of The End, or Rory Wreaks Havoc!_**

"Aw shit, I knew I should have sprang for the sleeping pills." Rory Fox Mustang ruffled her dark hair for the nth time that day as she nodded her apology to Havoc, who was charged with babysitting. Who knew you still had to baby-sit fifteen-year-olds? Not possible! But then again, Roy had coerced the pitiable Havoc into entertaining his niece, considering it a favor since, and I quote, "You can't get a date anyway."

So Havoc was stuck "dating" Roy's volatile young ward that afternoon, effectively keeping Rory within sight and Havoc scandalized. This was how the elder Mustang operated, in a capricious and bastardly-ehem-I mean _dastardly_ manner that kept all subordinates, with the exception of Riza Hawkeye (but we'll get to that later) , at bay.

So at the moment, Havoc was stuck in the deserted military office entertaining the lovely Rory Mustang for lunch. It was a half-day at the Amestris Military Academy and Rory had hoped to _wreak_ havoc on the military offices, not spend an afternoon with one. Havoc, I mean.

"What sleeping pills? You're not implying you'd rather commit suicide than hang out with me are you?" Havoc sighed. Did both Mustangs have to insult him?

"Uh, no. I was thinking of ways to poison my uncle." Rory said matter-of-factly, scowling. The two were sitting at a small table, staring at each other from either side. Rory rolled her gray eyes, sighing. "Really, there has got to be something evil we can do."

"No dice kid. The colonel's pretty much got us trapped here until he gets back and can ship you off to Hughes."

"Shit," Rory sipped her black coffee, "Double shit." She pulled out a notebook from her carrier bag and started to scribble.

"What you got there? A diary?"

"Nah, stories."

"Oh don't tell me, romance." Havoc grinned for a moment. Rory rolled her eyes.

"Nope. Corrupted fairytales." Rory sighed evenly.

"Corrupted fairytales? Hey! Let me see!" Havoc grabbed the book and flipped through the pages. "WHAT THE HELL! FUERY as HANSEL?! And why am I a RAT?"

"Because I was bored."

"You really are the Colonel's niece kid. These are sick."

"Gee, thanks." Rory put on her most charming smile, dripping with sarcasm. Havoc kept flipping.

"You don't have Snow White." He observed, handing the book back. Rory nodded.

"Couldn't think of anyone who fit the description who was a girl." Rory sighed. Havoc thought, then looked at Rory, then thought again. An evil grin broke out on his face.

"It doesn't _have _to be a girl…" Rory's eyes gleamed with understanding. She snickered.

"Oh yeah…payback."

To Be Continued**...  
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**A/N: **Oh well…I thought that Fuery would make a pretty cute Hansel. And Havoc-the-Rat from Cinderella was a thought. I mean, a rat who can't get a girlfriend. Whee. Uninspired thoughts. More later. Rory only appears outside the fairytales. Inside it's completely canon, I swear. This is a breakaway piece from my current project, Calculated Risk-Taker. 


	2. Chapter One: Roy Discovers Snow White

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Disney or Grimm's Fairy Tales. Oh, and if you think about it. If I owned FMA, would this really be a _fantasy_, hmm?

**CLAIMER: **I own Rory Fox Mustang and "The Book".

**A/N: **Ah, the second chapter! The story still has a lot of mentions of Rory, considering that Roy is trying to ship her back to Hughes. But mostly it's about the discovery of "The Book". No actual Snow White yet.

Dedicated to my beta, who I am sparing having to edit this disturbing piece of fiction. Also, dedicated to _**PolyginalWarrior**_whose twisted stories sparked the creation of this skewed fairytale.

Enjoy my pretties, enjoy

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_**Snow White and the Eight Dwaves**_  
**A Corrupted Fairytale By: N.C. Stormeye**

_**Chapter One: In Which Roy Discovers Snow White**_

Colonel Roy Mustang wasn't a particularly cruel man, not like some of the sadists that lurked in the military headquarters. However, he did have an eye for tormenting some of his subordinates, out of fun or force of habit nobody knows. So, having saddled Havoc with the care and feeding of his niece, and everyone else mysteriously but not alarmingly absent, he was enjoying a brief break from paperwork, savoring a lunch while having an excuse to call Hughes.

"Why did you send her here anyway? Her academy is in Central. The closer she stays there, the easier it is for her to get back." Roy growled into the phone. This "custody agreement" was not going well. Never mind that Rory was _his_ responsibility in the first place.

"Well, she wanted to see you. Besides, she might annoy you enough into marrying just so you can get a wife to rein her in." Hughes quipped. Roy let out another growl.

"I need this as much as I need to see your daughter's photos."

"Ooh! Did you know I took new ones?! Elysia looks so cute with her teddy…"

"HUGHES! FOR THE LAST TIME I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR DAUGHTER'S BLOODY PHOTOS!"

There was a sigh on the other end of the line, "Fine. But your niece looks at them every time."

Roy felt a pang of rare sympathy. No Mustang had to go through that. Rolling his eyes and cursing what little parental instinct he had, he ground out a statement, "I'll keep her then."

"Great," Hughes chirruped, "Now about the wife…"

"MAES! CUT THE CRAP!" Roy yelled into the phone. Hughes snickered, incorrigible. It was sheer luck that at that very moment, before Roy even got a chance to incinerate the phone, First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye stepped in.

"Got to go, Hawkeye's here." Roy whispered into the phone and hung up, letting out a sigh of relief. When would Hughes cool it with the "wife" thing? It was too early to be thinking about commit…commitme…commit…aw jeez, the C-word! He shuddered, then turned to Hawkeye.

"You didn't go out to lunch, Lieutenant?"

"I did. I finished so I could check on your progress. Apparently you've been on the phone."

"Trying to get Hughes to take the brat for the weekend. He apparently shipped her here because she wanted to see me."

"I suppose you should oblige sir. She is _your _niece, and an orphan."

"I did, to spare her having to look at image after image of Elysia."

"Oh. Sir, what's this?" Roy looked at the item that Riza held in her hands. It was a red-leather notebook that looked almost like an ornate volume. He recognized it as one of Rory's notebooks, one which she scribbled in incessantly, shooting looks at people and giggling all the while. An evil smirk edged its way across Roy's face.

"That's Rory's _diary_." He said, eyes narrowing. He made to grab it. On the front, done in gold curlicue, were the words "Twisted Fairytales." Roy raised an eyebrow. Fairytales? He cracked open the leather cover, Riza staring at him disapprovingly all the while.

"Private property of R.F. Mustang. Read at your own risk." Ah, the good stuff. He turned the page. On the front was an elaborate table of contents, all done in gold curlicue. He browsed the list. Sleeping Beauty, Hansel and Gretel, Cinderella…these were all fairytales! He turned the page again. There was a list of people, done in black spiky handwriting now. Listed by surname were the people of the military, including him! Alarmed he turned to "Hansel and Gretel". There on the title page, as Hansel, was Fuery!

"What is she up to…" Roy flipped back to the table of contents. Done in penciled curlicue were the words "Snow White and The Eight Dwarves". He flipped to the page number. On the front, in a disturbingly accurate line drawing, was a picture of…_Is that me?! And Hawkeye!? _

He stared for a moment then let his eyes stray to the caption. In bold script, Havoc's he determined, were the words "Snow White (the Colonel) and the Prince (Lieutenant Hawkeye) snogging their brains out."

"RORY! HAVOC!" the two had some explaining to do.

To Be Continued**...  
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**A/N: **Okay, so no story yet. Next chapter there will be. It will be a flashback. I mean, how did Rory's notebook end up on Roy's desk. There had to be something going on before that.

Besides, why are all his subordinates "Mysteriously but not alarmingly absent"? Hmm…

More on this soon.


	3. Chapter Two: Fairy Tale Begins

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Disney or Grimm's Fairy Tales. Oh, and if you think about it. If I owned FMA, would this really be a _fantasy_, hmm?

**CLAIMER: **I own Rory Fox Mustang and "The Book".

**A/N: **Hee hee…now we're getting good. Please don't ask me how Rory knows about Lust and the Sins? I'm only using my semi-Sue of a niece as a plot device to get the story moving. I mean, Ed can't write beans and Al's too sweet, Havoc seems expressive enough but can't do it alone. The best candidate was a Mustang but not Roy himself, so I had to invent a niece who is attuned to her uncle's devious mind.

Enjoy lovelies. It gets better now_**  
**_

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_**Snow White and the Eight Dwaves**_  
**A Corrupted Fairytale By: N.C. Stormeye**

_**Chapter Two: The Fairytale Begins…**_

"There, done." Rory put the final flourish on the final illustration of Snow White. She'd left her gold pen in her dorm and would have to ink the curlicue later. She handed the drawing to Havoc.

"Woah. Your uncle in a dress. Very good likeness."

"I drew from memory." Rory snickered.

"Really! The colonel! Aww…this is good!"

"I was kidding, idiot." Rory rolled her eyes and flipped through the fifteen-odd pages they had filled with corrupted fairytale goodness. Just as she was browsing, Breda and Falman, returning from a game of "Go", spied the Mustang niece and Havoc bent over a book, giggling like schoolgirls.

"So you've finally snapped and hit on the Boss' niece huh." Breda commented, snickering. Havoc raised his head and shook it, grabbing the book to display the opening frontispiece. Breda and Falman's eyes widened.

"No way…I've got to read that!"

"Not before me!"

"Read what?" Fuery popped in. He'd been watching Black Hayate and, after returning him to his master, had decided to stay out of the heat and stay indoors.

"Snow White!" Breda displayed the frontispiece to Fuery, who promptly found his eyes popping out of his skull. Havoc grabbed the book back and positioned himself on a table. Cracking it to the first page he displayed the illustration.

"Ehem." Havoc cleared his throat and began to read…

---000---000---000---

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, _far_ away, there lived King Majahal and Queen Karin who remained childless. Either they hadn't figured out that sex equals babies, or the king had-ehem-slow swimmers…we'll never know. All we know is that they didn't have kids. Not a single one. Which was crap you know because _someone _had to take over when they both kicked the bucket. But for the most part, they were happy.

One conveniently snowy morning, the queen was sitting doing needlepoint. Albeit she wasn't particularly good at it, so she kept pricking her finger. Apparently, she hadn't learned of thimbles. So, as I was saying, she was sewing, right. Well she'd finally pricked her finger deep enough to draw blood, and it dripped onto the snow. Just about that moment, the snow kind of melted, and in the magical coincidence you can only find in fairytales, it formed a face.

The queen loved the face. And, remembering she hadn't had a child, decided to rhapsodize before her husband saw and declared his queen nuts. It was no secret he was slightly tiring of her not-aging-so-gracefully. Staring lovingly at the face in the snow, she said "When I have a child, I wish that it shall have skin as white as snow, hair as black as ebony, and lips as red as blood. How beautiful this child would be!"

Well, in the course of magic and maybe the king taking some form of medieval Viagra, the queen got pregnant. Nine months later, the baby was born. It was a boy.

"Oh crap, it's a boy! We needed a princess woman! How could you have a boy! The story called for a girl!"

"You didn't specify! How the heck should I know? Picky picky! It was _your_ sperm that picked it!"

"Oh well. Maybe…maybe I can pretend it's a girl!"

You know what I said about the king discovering that his queen was mentally disturbed? Well, I guess I was right about the mentally disturbed part, but it was the king who had a few screws loose. Through some cruel twist of fate and an insane king, the young boy, named Roy, was brought up as a baby girl and given the name "Snow White"...

---000---000---000---

"WHERE IS THAT BASTARD COLONEL!!" With a shout, the pint-sized-I mean Fullmetal-Alchemist stomped into the military offices, cussing and swearing as he went. Alphonse followed behind him, looking relieved that the offices were next-to-deserted.

"Oh, hey Ed." Havoc said from his post atop the table. Ed cussed under his breath again.

"Where the hell is the Shit-Colonel?" he said.

"He's having lunch." Fuery supplied, his face still slightly white from the "fairytale".

"So what are _you _doing slacking off in here?" Ed asked.

"Nothing, reading a fairytale. Mustang's niece wrote it."

"Mustang's niece? Fairytales? Let me see!" Alphonse chirruped from behind. Havoc handed him the book and the piece of armor sweatdropped from the illustration on the marked page alone. It featured a child-Roy in petticoat, makeup, and bows. He handed the volume, shaking, to his brother. Ed's eyes widened at the illustration, and an evil grin broke out on his face.

"Can I listen in?" he asked. There was a nod. Havoc took the book back, grinned at everyone, and continued to read.

To Be Continued**...  
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**A/N: **Okay, so the King and Queen mentioned in the story are people Rory isn't supposed to know about. Let's just say she had Ed tell her a few stories or whatever, because once Ed got stuck with babysitting her. I had an image of a crazy Majahal as king, and Karin as queen.

Up next. Rory and Havoc took a few liberties. And did you ever wonder why it's Snow White and the _Eight_ Dwarves?


	4. Chapter Three: King and Eye

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Disney or Grimm's Fairy Tales. Oh, and if you think about it. If I owned FMA, would this really be a _fantasy_, hmm?

**CLAIMER: **I own Rory Fox Mustang and "The Book".

**A/N: **Okaaaay…so now you had Majahal as the King and Karin (remember her?) as the Queen. And yes, we have Roy, a prince, forced to play the part of the princess. What other liberties have I-I mean-have _Rory _and _Havoc_ taken with this classic fairytale? Certainly enough to pony up some reviews?

Come on pretties! I'm putting in some hard work here! (pouts) Even if I do deviate from canon and pair Archer with Karin! Oh, and the fact that Rory knows about even though Hughes is still alive. Then again, he makes a cameo at Hughes' funeral, showing that he probably was in the hallways and stuff. (sigh)_**  
**_

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_**Snow White and the Eight Dwaves**_  
**A Corrupted Fairytale By: N.C. Stormeye**

_**Chapter Three: The King and Eye**_

Now, as it happened, a cruel twist of fate let Queen Karin to seek another king. Apparently, King Majahal had a thing for…err…dollies. And as it happened, a new shipment was being brought in and one of the heavy crates fell on the king, and, err, killed him.

Death by dollies. That's something you don't see everyday.

So Queen Karin, aging but graceful and loving still, sought out a new king. It was at this point that a dark and possibly evil stranger waltzed, quite literally, into her life. At a ball held to find her new champion, Queen Karin met the ambitious, snarky, mentally unstable, yet somewhat handsome Archer, who was only after her money. Queen Karin was so enamored with him that she married him on the spot.

Now if we had to number Archer's flaws (his being mentally unstable for one), his vanity would be number two. So when he chanced upon the (still girlified) Roy-I mean-Snow White, he felt a pang of jealousy. Luckily, he had a magic mirror…or what he believed to be a magic mirror. We're not quite sure with (now-King) Archer.

At any rate, he'd stare into that mirror with dread in his heart and ask, in the so-cliché chant, "Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Who's the Fairest of Them All?" And without fail, the mirror would say, "Dude, your competition is a boy in a dress. Of course you're the fairest."

So in this way, Archer wasn't much of a threat. Still, in an effort to rough up 'Snow White' a bit, he sentenced…err…him to scullery duty. So Roy, I mean, _Snow White_ grumbled and groaned and did scullery duty, which normally entailed him doing paperwork. (It was a very advanced kingdom.)

Unfortunately, scullery work did nothing to "rough up" Snow White…except for a few paper cuts. As time passed, and Roy's cover as a "princess" slowly became less and less easy to maintain, Archer found himself threatened. Eventually Queen Karin, now a decrepit hag, would have to unmask her daughter as a "son", thereby supplanting Archer as the fairest male in the kingdom.

And you have no idea how hard that was to write, seeing as in real life I'm related to said "Fairest Male in the Kingdom". Would that make me the fairest _female_? I digress.

Well, the day came. _Snow White _was to be unmasked as…well…what _he _was, a man. Which was a relief because Roy had been wearing petticoats and itchy things and high heels for twenty-odd years that it was already sickening. He did own pants, but he had to hide them under his bed beside his stash of nudie magazines. Queen Karin invited all the eligible females in the kingdom to a gigantic party.

Now, invited to this party was the pretty tomboy from a neighboring kingdom whose fate was similar to Roy's, except reversed. Prince, or rather, _Princess_ Riza of Hawk's Landing had been the child which should have been a much-wanted boy. So, to at least have second-best, she was raised between both worlds, highly skilled in marksmanship. When the secretly-playboy "Princess" laid eyes on this strange, breeches-wearing "Prince" who had also been doomed to a similar fate, there was only one thing on his mind.

_Damn, she's hot._

---000---000---000---

"If Lieutenant Hawkeye ever saw that sentence, she'd kill us all!" Havoc hooted. In an instant, all the officers tackled him and laid hands over his mouth.

"She may be here you idiot!" Breda hissed. Fuery turned his agonized eyes to the door. The doorknob was turning. They all held their collective breaths.

"Hi everyone." Sciezska said, arms full of books. She spotted the beautiful red volume in Havoc's hands and dropped everything.

"Oh! A new book! Let me see!" She grabbed it. "The workmanship of the leather! And the quality of the title text! This is exquisite work for a book! Where'd you get it?"

"Mustang's…niece." Havoc choked out from under all the officers. They all got off, and Rory, who had backed away during the tackling, waved meekly from behind Havoc.

"Well, what's it about?" Sciezska asked animatedly. Stifling laughter, Havoc handed the book to Breda, who handed it to Falman, who handed it to a squeaking Fuery. Fuery gingerly opened it to the page Havoc had been reading. There was another line drawing of Roy, in a dress, looking down from a balcony at Riza, in what was the male wear of the day. Scieszka squeaked, then turned red.

"You're in luck Private…Havoc's reading it aloud." Breda spoke up. Falman's face, normally a mask of seriousness, had a distinct line of an evil grin forming. Ed and Al were in stitches, stifling boyish giggles.

"W…well then, continue, I guess."

To Be Continued...

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**A/N: **OMFG! Okay, that was a bit stolen from the Hallmark version of Snow White, and a clash with Disney's Cinderella too. But honestly, what if the first time you saw your Prince Charming he was wearing a dress? And what if your stepdad has the hots for the same girl? Oh dear…these things collide dangerously in the next chapter! 


	5. Chapter Four: When We First Met, Remix

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Disney or Grimm's Fairy Tales. Oh, and if you think about it. If I owned FMA, would this really be a _fantasy_, hmm?

**CLAIMER: **I own Rory Fox Mustang and "The Book".

**A/N: **First of all, announcement that shall shock the world. **I AM A MEMBER OF THE MINISKIRT ARMY! **(shock-horror-gasp) Well, as if you didn't expect that. I'm a Royai fangirl after all.

Now, I don't think you'd understand the title too much unless you've read some of my other fanfics. In particular, _When We First Met_ which is a oneshot Royai based on a doujinshi comic strip. I suggest you read that story first before you read this one.

Oh, and suggestions for what to play while reading this chapter. Go and download "Crush" by Mandy Moore and put it on loop while reading this. Also, for proper effect, imagine Roy singing it. (evil grin) Once again, dedicated to _Norika Hiwatari_ who is to blame for this idea.

And as to Roy and Riza's exact age: Riza is 21, Roy is 24. This is the same age gap as in Calculated Risk-Taker, and the supposed real age gap in the anime and manga.

Continue on my pretties. This'll just keep getting better and better

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_**Snow White and the Eight Dwaves**_  
**A Corrupted Fairytale By: N.C. Stormeye**

_**Chapter Four: When We First Met (Remix)**_

"_Are you sure she won't blab this out in a panic attack?"_

"_Nah, she's safe."_

"_Shut up! I want to hear!"_

---000---000---000---

Now if there was one thing you should know about Roy-ahem-I mean _Snow White_ was that, in all his years of hanging around women, he had pretty much been able to figure out all their little quirks and pet peeves. This made him dangerously charming, even though most of the time he was dressed in girl's clothing. So, when he reached this age, it was a known fact that he could charm the skirts-the layers and layers and layers of skirts-off of any court lady. Though this was normally when he was in "disguise" as a man.

Hey, come on! A guy has needs…whether or not it is disturbing to think about them! So every so often he'd go on a mission to charm the socks off a court lady…which, surprisingly, came easily to him.

To aid him on his nights indulging in his actual gender was his annoying yet loyal best friend, the jester-slash-woodsman Hughes. Basically it was Hughes' idea that Queen Karin hold this ball in the first place, totally ignorant of the fact that his best friend was afraid of the com…comi…commit…commit…the C-WORD! Of course, Roy's idea was that he would let the ladies flock to him and not pick any…but that was before he saw the Princess of Hawk's Landing…who was still in the masquerade as a Prince.

_Damn she is hot! _He thought as he stared at her from the stair railing. He didn't notice Hughes sneaking up behind him.

"Hey Princess, what are you thinking?"

"HUGHES. I said quit with the princess gag. Do you think I _like_ wearing this dress?"

"I don't know, pink is really your color."

"Damnit! Will you cut the crap!"

"Yeah yeah yeah. I was just here to tell you that your shipment of MALE clothing for the unveiling is _finally _here."

**(1) **"Thank god, if there is one."

"Yeah, I know. Seventeen years as a girl. Ouch."

"You don't know the half of it."

"Well, I do know you're wearing enough makeup to cover the whole of China."

"China?"

"Some place I made up. It's full of bears with black circles around their eyes and black and white fur."

"You mean like your _teddy bear_."

"Aw man! Do you have to bring Mr. Snuggle into this?"

"I won't if you quit with calling me Princess."

"Fiiiiine…" Hughes let out an exasperated whine. He then stared at what his friend was staring at and let out a whistle.

"I thought you were afraid of commitment."

"I'm not committing! Is it a crime to admire a hot piece of ass?"

---000---000---000---

"Oh boy, Hawkeye'd really kill you if she heard you reading that." Breda whistled. Havoc looked around nervously for a moment and let out a sigh. Ed stifled another giggle at the image of Roy in a dress. Al was sweating bullets...if that were possible. But considering armor is metal, could that mean that the metaphor is true for Al and he could sweat bullets?

Maybe that's why Hawkeye has a soft spot for the Elrics. But I digress...

---000---000---000---

"I'm not committing! Is it a crime to admire a hot piece of ass?"

"In your case? Probably."

"…You're really pushing it Hughes."

Taking leave of his friend he continued to follow with his eyes the young princess who mingled in the crowd of gown-clad ladies. Some even chanced to flirt with her until they found out she was a girl, in which case they promptly made snide comments.

"Oh come on dear! Do you think that whatever this ball is for, you won't be the freak of the evening?"

"I've heard Princess Snow White is extremely picky."

"Too bad she looks like a man. Although if she was a man, she'd be gorgeous."

"Oh dear, just their luck right? I wonder what this ball is for…"

The Princess of Hawk's Landing slipped unnoticed through the crowd and decided to wander a bit. Rarely had Riza left her own kingdom, so the novelty of a new castle was even more new to her. She admired the architecture, oblivious to the dress-clad male who was following her. Unfortunately, during her rounds, she accidentally stumbled onto the study where Queen Karin and King (super-snarky) Archer were seated (just seated, she didn't interrupt anything).

"Oh! You must be the Prince of Hawk's Landing! How nice of you to come." Queen Karin said, gesturing for Riza to enter. Riza blushed slightly. Her being addressed as "Prince" was no small matter to her, not when she had been a woman for a full eight years now.

"Actually I'm a…"

"Oh yes, we know, your mother told us. It's your unveiling too today I see."

"Wait, you mean he's a…" Archer was surprisingly slow to catch on today, since he was in such a foul mood.

"A she, yes sweetie." As soon as those words left Queen Karin's lips, Archer saw the _Princess_ in a new light. As a-ehem-"hot piece of ass". Considering he was only slightly older than his "stepson"…well…he'd sure as hell find a way to get to this _young_ and probably rich princess before his "son" could.

"It's a pleasure to meet you both your Majesties." Riza executed a perfect curtsy, even if she was in pants.

"Yes, a pleasure. Now, have you met our…err…_daughter _yet?"

"I'm afraid not."

"Well, I don't see how that's possible. There…err…_she_ is, standing by the door. Why don't you have a moment together." _Shit, my cover's been blown_. Roy slapped his hand to his forehead and, with quick thinking, dashed a few meters out into the darker part of the hallway, grabbing a flower-a daisy-from a nearby flower vase. Summoning all the dashing air he could muster, in a dress anyway, he strode towards her and extended his gift.

"Hi," he said as he reached the blonde, staring at her dark red eyes which he found quite endearing. The princess stared back, taking in her admirer, whom she assumed was of the same gender as she. Looking at him strangely, she took a few steps backward, leaving the boy in an advanced state of shock.

"I assume you are the Princess Snow White…of strange gender persuasion. I'm not _that_ way, so to speak. Although the rumors are true."

"W-what rumors?"

"That you are an absolutely horrible-looking female. But if you were a male you would be, and I quote, "gorgeous"." With that, Riza, Princess of Hawk's Landing, turned on her heel and walked away.

_Yes! She thinks I'm hot!_ Roy cheered in his mind, forgetting that Riza had assumed he was a she and a lesbian. From the door, King Snarky-Archer had seen everything.

_I must have her…_he thought.

---000---000---000---

"You really have a high opinion of Lieutenant Hawkeye's rate of attracting men, don't you kid?" Havoc elbowed Rory.

"I've seen the Valentine's Day presents on her table. One of them was from Snarky-Archer." Rory shrugged. "She wrote his name down on a piece of paper with Males to Shoot At on the top."

"WHAT!" All the military males turned blue as their uniforms with fear. They had all sent Hawkeye presents.

"It's okay. She didn't write any of your names down. I did hear her mumble that she'd probably shoot at you by default anyway."

"And what about us?" Ed and Al asked. They had sent her a Valentine's Day gift, well, Al had insisted. Rory shook her head.

"She said that you were too _small_ a threat."

To Be Continued...

* * *

**A/N: **You know that coming up next is a big Ed explosion moment, and a Sciezska panic attack, right? That and hints of Havoc/Sciezska. About Archer sending Riza a gift…hmmm…oh come on! He probably did! I mean, he looks like a snark and probably is one!

Like I said, read _**When We First Met **_before reading this chapter. More effect.

**(1) **This is in line with Roy's atheist beliefs and not a representation of my beliefs. Note the small letter "g" in this sentence. I'm a Jesus Freak folks, so definitely this statement doesn't reflect my beliefs. Just so you know.


	6. Chapter Five: To Catch A Prince

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Disney, Grimm's Fairy Tales, or Hallmark Channel's version of Snow White. Oh, and if you think about it…If I owned FMA, would this really be a _fantasy_, hmm?

**CLAIMER: **I own Rory Fox Mustang and "The Book".

**A/N: **…The chapter title is rather confusing, don't you think? (Is it Riza or Roy?) But hey, a reviewer told me whenever I rope Roy's fanfiction niece into the mix, things get funny-slash-disturbing. Basically because she's an OC and I can allow her to see things that the other characters can't. Well, okay, useless stuff like Hawkeye's Valentine's Day Presents. The thing about the "Males to Shoot At" was a tribute to my fave V-Day fic **Guns n Roses** by _**MultipleCyrosis. **_I suggest you read it.

This chapter is dedicated to my Miniskirt Army Recruiter, _**Starrie**_ and my Royai Thread Neechan _**Riza Hawkeye-9**_ along with, as usual, _**Norika Hiwatari**_, who you all can blame for the idea of this fic. Also, this is dedicated to my _real _Ate Riza, who rocks my socks off and allows me to take over her computer from time to time to make these fanfics.

Read on pretties. The fun has just begun_**  
**_

* * *

_**Snow White and the Eight Dwaves**_  
**A Corrupted Fairytale By: N.C. Stormeye**

_**Chapter Five: To Catch A Prince…**_

"Who are you calling so small they could fit into your shoe and not get squashed when you shoved your foot in it!" Ed yelled, jumping five feet into the air and knocking over Sciezska's stack of books, seated next to her.

"Oh no! My books!" Suddenly, a water glass that appeared out of nowhere wobbled and almost fell onto Sciezska's precious books when…

WHOOOOSH! SPLASH!

"T-thanks." Sciezska said, shaking.

"No problem." A very wet, slightly blushing Havoc was able to croak out. Why croak? Because he had fallen head over heels with, and on, Sciezska. Literally this time. Er…Ew.

Anyway, after the mess was resolved and all the hoots and catcalls (to the general blush-inducing of both Havoc and Sciezska) had calmed down, Havoc picked up the book only to be stopped by Ed with a nasty grin on his face.

"Hey, can I have a go this time?"

---000---000---000---

The night of the ball finally came, and everyone lined up to celebrate what they thought would be a party in honor of a hideous princess.

"Oh God, at least I hope she wears pink. Pink is so her color. She won't look half as manly if she wore pink."

"But if we're lucky she'd wear yellow again and look hideous."

"Hi, excuse me, coming through here…" A glasses-wearing princess carrying a load of books from the palace library waltzed past.

"Ugh, go away bookworm."

"Will you leave her alone!" a pretty blonde, blue-eyed princess scowled and held a wrench up for the two ditzy princesses to see. The two princesses backed away.

"Jeez! Princess Winry from the Kingdom of Rock's Bell is so weird with all those tools of hers."

"Yeah! I heard she likes making metal parts in her spare time. And hangs around that bookworm too."

"You mean Princess Sciezska from the Kingdom of the Reading Man? It runs in their family. Her twin sister, **(1)**Yomiko, is also such a total bookworm!"

"Eugh! Who would ever date them?"

---000---000---000---

"I think Brother would date Winry." Al supplied. Ed turned a slight pink.

"I would not! She's an automail-obsessed freak!" Ed protested, looking up from the book. "Besides, I'm not in the story!"

"Yet..." Rory snickered. Ed turned to her.

"…I am? Where am I then?" Before Rory could answer, Fuery interjected.

"If you don't really like Winry, then why are you blushing?"

"OOOOOOOOHH…" everyone chorused. Ed ducked back into the book and continued with a very loud and pointed "Ahem".

---000---000---000---

The ballroom was a hub of activity. Girls were fanning themselves and gossiping on their fellow princes. The males that had come were praying their parents hadn't arranged for them to marry the Princess Snow White.

The "Princess" in question was seated uncomfortably on a pink-cushioned throne and scowling his head off. _Why do I still have to wear a dress when it's my last night as a woman!_

"Hey Roy, why do you have to wear a dress when it's your last night as a woman anyway?" Hughes asked, repeating the question in Roy's mind.

"Thank you Captain Obvious. I have no idea."

"And what's with the lipgloss?"

"I…err…I…err…a maid forced it on…"

"Riiiiiiiight…are you sure you want to go through with being revealed as a guy?"

"YES!"

"Suuuuure…"

"Shut up Hughes." Roy growled, hesitantly smudging off the carefully applied lipgloss with the back of his white silk glove. He stared longingly for a moment at the cherry-pink stain on the glove then shrugged it off.

"I. Am. A guy. Repeat. I. Am. A guy." Roy stared boredly at the audience. In the crowd, still dressed in prince-like clothing, was the Princess of Hawk's Landing.

"I never did get her name." he mumbled.

"Whose name?" Hughes had sidled up to Roy once again.

"The Princess of Hawk's Landing. You know. The H.P.O.A."

"Ohh…her. Well, she's pretty, but I like the girl with her, the lady in waiting."

"Who? Gracia of Hawk's Landing?"

"Yep." Hughes drooled.

"Well then, go get her!"

"Nah…"

"And you say _I'm _the girl."

"But she's…but she's…"

The conversation might have gone on longer if the Queen hadn't gestured for her..._daughter_ to come closer.

---000---000---000---

"Hey! You took out my '…err…'" Rory pouted.

"That's because the shit-colonel in a skirt would be…"

"Whaaaat…dead sexy?" Rory smirked.

"WHAT!"

**(2) **"I heard you once Elric. You said, and I quote, _Colonel Mustang is dead sexy! In a miniskirt!_"

"No way did I say that! Besides! I like Win…"

"AHA! BROTHER! YOU LIKE WINRY!" Al crowed. Ed turned beet red and keeled over. Deftly slipping a hand under his face, Havoc was able to root out the red volume and continue.

---000---000---000---

"Ladies and Gentlemen, nobles of the court! I have an announcement to make." Queen Karin clapped her hands. "For years now you have been nothing but kind to me and my child…especially after the death of my admittedly mentally disturbed first husband."

Not that your second husband ain't disturbed too lady.

"Well, seeing as my husband was mentally disturbed, when our child was born he immediately pronounced it a girl. And even if my child looks quite hideous at the moment, I can assure you, after our announcement, you will understand."

"You see…the child you know as _Princess _Snow White is actually _Prince_ Roy."

With this announcement, Roy, who actually had long hair (girly, I mean it), unceremoniously grabbed a scissor from behind his back and snipped off all ten inches of black hair. A collective gasp went through the crowd, and a spectator crowed, "I knew it! I should have known when his voice kept cracking! That wasn't PMS!"

With this final wake-up call, all the ladies of the court came in ambush. Roy only had enough time to dash out and hide in a shadowy corner of the castle. An area in which another person was hiding too.

"So you're a man." Riza said, staring at the moon.

"Yes, actually."

"Well, at least that made the incident in the hallway a little less disturbing."

"I thank you for your compliment the other day."

"Oh. Well I wouldn't have if I'd found out you were so pompous."

"How can you say that?"

"Easy, sir, you carry yourself that way. That and you called me a 'hot piece of ass'."

"WHAT! How did you know that!" Roy blustered.

"I overheard you." Riza sniffed. Roy turned blue and sweatdropped.

"Well it's true…you're hot." Roy managed to say after regaining his composure.

"I suppose I should say thank you."

"You're welcome. Now…do you want to ditch this place? I know a nice spot on the lake where we could…"

**(3)**"I'm sorry, but I don't get betrothed to guys who wear more make-up than I do and are prettier than I am." And with that, Riza turned on her heel and walked away. Leaving Roy, once again, in an advanced state of shock.

As Riza walked back to the main dining hall she was cornered by Smarmy-King Archer.

"Why hello Princess."

"Oh, your Majesty, good evening. I was just on my way to…"

"Back to the party? Oh. Have you seen our guest of honor? She's…I mean He's gone missing."

"I believe you'll find him in the courtyard."

"Oh. I trust he romanced you."

"Quite, your Majesty. I just didn't find it at all appealing."

"Oh…well. What would you find appealing, hmm?"

With that sentence, Archer circled her with purpose. Riza, sensing the implications of the question, turned to him and spoke clearly and curtly.

"I will tell you the same things I told your son, your Majesty. I'm not interested. Especially in you…you're married."

With that, Riza once again walked away, wondering if the entire castle was full of horny males. She sighed…she shouldn't have left her pistols in her bedchamber.

---000---000---000---

"…That was strange. Very." Falman was able to splutter after imagining the entire sequence.

"HAHA! I love that one! Especially the 'wear more make-up than I do'! KARMA!" Havoc crowed, displaying the line drawing on the page. It was, of course, a drawing of the most infamous scene so far…Roy being dumped.

"I would love to see that happen in real life. Especially with the shit-Colonel getting shot in the balls." Ed grinned evilly.

"Brother…that's not really a nice image." Al interjected.

"Are you kidding! That would be great!" Ed crowed.

"Well, at least he doesn't know you like Win…"

"SHUT UP AL!!"

To Be Continued**...  
**

* * *

**A/N: **

**(1) **A reference to Yomiko Readman of Read or Die fame. If you notice, the two look very much alike and act similar…shy bibliophiles who would rather read than work. You notice that the kingdom is called The Kingdom of The Reading Man.

**(2) **At AnimeNEXT last year, at the beginning of the FMA panel, Vic Mignogna said "Colonel Mustang is dead sexy!" And of course, all the RoyEd fangirls cheered and the people who weren't RoyEd fans screamed and laughed anyway. After a pause, to make the hilarity even worse, he continued with, "In a miniskirt!!"

I think subconsciously, my fixation for seeing Roy in a dress is fueled by that comment. Although it's slightly disturbing that Vic had to say it, seeing as he's a Youth Pastor and all...(oh dear)

**(3) **A tribute to one of my other fave fanfics…_**Photography **_by one of my FAVE authors (author also of "Seeing Double" and "Theme and Variations"…which I love…) **DAILENNA**!!

Enjoy my beauties! The best is yet to come!


	7. Chapter Six: A Brief Interlude

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Disney, Grimm's Fairy Tales, or Hallmark Channel's version of Snow White. Oh, and if you think about it…If I owned FMA, would this really be a _fantasy_, hmm?

**CLAIMER: **I own Rory Fox Mustang and "The Book". Also, the blonde boy. It's the cameo appearance of Rory's "Hawkeye", River Eaglewood. (BWEHEHEHEHEHE!!)

**A/N: **I needed a break from writing about Roy as a Princess and Riza as a Prince…so I decided to write about WHAT THE HELL they were doing that they couldn't hear the considerable amounts of laughter coming from the main office. Were they a) Making out in the broom closet, b) Having hot office shmex, or c) Doing both?

…Well, okay, none of the above. I'm not _that_ weird yet.

Read on my pretties. This is going to get better and better.

* * *

_**Snow White and the Eight Dwaves**_  
**A Corrupted Fairytale By: N.C. Stormeye**

_**Chapter Six: A Brief Interlude – In Which We Find Out What the Hell Riza and Roy Were Doing During This Time**_

"Hayate, come!"

"Sit."

"Shake."

"Other hand."

"Good boy!" First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye let out a sigh of relief as she let her puppy gorge himself on his food. She'd taken to leaving a spare food and water bowl at the office and just taking a can of dog food with her everyday. This gave her an excuse to eat outside, away from everyone. Because lunch break was the designated hour reserved for Mustang's "Manly Bragging Rights". Or rather, "Bedpost Hour."

So Riza thought it wise to savor her lunch in the calmness of the outdoors, far away from men and their over-active ideas of machismo. Urgh.

So, on this lovely afternoon, she decided to dine in the courtyard seated on the steps next to one of the statues, Black Hayate sniffing around the area. After she'd finished eating, she fed Black Hayate and took out a book she'd been carrying around for the past couple of days.

She was so engrossed in her book she didn't notice that the sunlight abruptly faded from her pages. It was only a few seconds later when…

"Lieutenant Hawkeye?" No folks, it wasn't Roy, it was Armstrong. With his shirt on for once, alleluia.

"Yes Major?"

"Some people from the Secretarial Department sent me to tell you that Colonel Mustang's niece has arrived."

"Thank you Major, but the Colonel told me already. Or rather, his niece put in an appearance already."

"Oh."

"I hope it was no trouble, Major."

"Are you kidding?" Armstrong boomed. "It was no trouble at all! Carrying verbal messages has been a talent passed down in the Armstrong family for generations!" With this, Armstrong ripped off his shirt, as usual when declaring an Armstrong family tradtion. Riza hesitated taking out her gun and shooting herself from the agony.

"Thank you very much again Major. I'm afraid I must be going. I'm going to take Black Hayate for a walk to the shooting rage. I've got forty-five minutes left in lunch and I'd best be going now." With this, Riza slipped away as Armstrong posed in the sun. A few passers-by were extremely disturbed.

---000---000---000---

As a matter of fact, Colonel Roy Mustang wasn't doing what his first lieutenant thought he was doing. Actually, he hadn't had the time to score another conquest. It wasn't really lack of time so much as lack of interest. Maybe it was his age-God forbid-catching up on him. At age twenty-nine he was still young enough to charm the ladies, but he felt eons older when he was tired. He'd gotten home, fixed himself dinner and a drink, and gone to sleep. Contrary to popular belief there were days when the Flame Alchemist had a tame home life, bordering on domestic.

Get home, make dinner, booze, sleep.

Yes, there were nights when Roy Mustang was just too tired to get laid. Last night was one of them. So, instead of hanging around the office and eventually getting asked the inevitable question "Who was she?", he decided to eat out at a small coffeeshop he knew would be deserted at this time of day.

After grabbing his lunch and flirting boredly with the café waitress, Roy was living off spur-of-the-moment decisions and decided to take a quick walk. He checked his pocketwatch…forty-five minutes left. Havoc was entertaining his niece, everyone else was out, and he had around forty minutes to kill.

So walk he did.

He walked past a family lunching at the park. They had a son, with dirty-blonde hair and dark brown eyes. He was staring at him, puzzled. For a moment, Roy mused on who the boy was, then brushed it aside. Probably he was being mistaken for someone else. He kept walking.

He passed by the courtyard of Headquarters. As he walked, he spotted Armstrong dancing around without his shirt on…_again_.

"Major Armstrong…will you please move it indoors. I spotted a few people out here who..."

"Were blinded by my manly beauty? Will do sir!" Armstrong boomed, huffing it indoors. Roy sighed.

"…and they say _I _have an ego."

---000---000---000---

BANG! BANG BANG BANG!

The sounds of gunfire filled the air. As the smoke cleared, a brief, feminine cough was heard. First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was crouched next to the mounted machine gun. Her hair was covered in a plain towel, and it shielded her face.

Slowly, she got up, coughing the whole way.

"This gun is due for cleaning…the deposits make the shot smoky." She commented.

"Yip! Yip!" Hayate barked. Riza turned.

"Fuery?"

"Uhm…Lieutenant Hawkeye? I'm sorry, I have to return Black Hayate for awhile. I just remembered something indoors." Fuery was swiping his brow as he spoke. Riza nodded, and Black Hayate was returned to her arms, leash and all. With that, Black Hayate's "dog-sitter" was off.

Riza sighed as she looked at her watch. Might as well start packing up, seeing as Black Hayate was here. She took the towel off of her head, wiped the sweat off her face, and examined her work.

"I think I should come here more often. I need practice." Riza sighed.

---000---000---000---

"That was refreshing." Roy managed after having to run from a mad dog that had just gotten loose. After practically prancing around East in the most undignified manner, he had finally lost the insane canine. Normally, Roy liked dogs. Now he narrowed his view to only liking leashed ones.

He checked his watch. Thirty minutes. He should get moving if he wanted to call Hughes before Hawkeye showed up. With a sigh, he walked back to headquarters. There was just enough time to neaten up in the men's room.

He walked past the shooting range and heard barking. Afraid the mad dog had found him again, he broke into a sprint and got to headquarters in record time.

---000---000---000---

"Colonel?" Riza said as she spotted the figure gasping for breath, leaning against a tree near the courtyard.

"Yes Lieutenant?" Roy said, turning towards the speaker. He clutched his chest, gasping a bit more for air. _Blame Havoc and his cancer-sticks_. He sighed. Add that to all the smoke he inhaled from his flames and he was getting to be one hell of a secondhand smoker.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes, fine. I just went for a run."

"Oh…well, I hope you didn't overdo it." Riza said wryly, noting her commanding officer's condition.

"I didn't…I spent the better part of my run running from a mad dog."

"I see…"

"No, wait, I spent my entire five minute run running from a mad dog." Roy managed between gulps of air. Riza sighed. Why was it that whenever the Colonel was out of her sight, he seemed to get into trouble? Well, at least this was none of his doing.

After Roy finished gasping for breath, he questioned his Lieutenant. "So how did you spend lunchtime? I didn't see you indoors as I went out."

"I decided to eat outside today. I thought you and Havoc would be having 'guy talk' today."

"No, I was too tired last night. Even _I_ have my limits." Roy said with a mock-sigh.

"It must be so hard to be you." Riza said sarcastically. Roy chose to ignore the tone of her statement and continued playfully.

"Yes it is. Very." Roy smirked. He was obviously having fun and Riza hadn't called him insufferable yet. He felt this as a rare moment to engage in camaraderie with his second-in-command. In truth, he valued the other's company almost as much as Hughes', maybe more.

"So, pray tell, what did you do last night instead of engaging in your-ehem-duties?" Riza remarked dryly, on a whim deciding to humor the Colonel and press him for details into his bawdy lifestyle.

"The usual. Get home, throw myself on the couch. Get up to make dinner. Make a drink. Sit on the couch and read for a bit. Take a shower, go to sleep." Roy said breezily with a sigh.

"Oh? That sounds positively domestic."

"It appears you have overestimated my reputation, Lieutenant. I'm flattered." Oh no, the smirk was back.

"Hardly. I just thought that I was lucky enough not to have you call me to drive you home, inebriated, yet _again_." Riza replied curtly. Roy's smirk faded.

"Jeez Hawkeye, I didn't know you felt that way."

"Well Sir, it's not exactly an honor to have to fend off your drunken attentions."

"Oh? Well, I apologize."

"No need Sir. It's basically an extension of my duty."

"I don't think picking me up drunk is part of your job description, Hawkeye." Roy managed a half-scowl, half-smirk. Riza made a small smile.

"Neither is threatening you to do your paperwork at gunpoint, Sir, but I do it anyway. It's a necessary evil to fulfilling my promise."

"Well, I'm glad you feel that way." Roy managed to smile. There was never a moment he felt more endeared to his Lieutenant than now.

"Thank you sir. Now…about that paperwork…" With this comment, Roy snapped back from the endearing moment to reality.

"Oh! About that…oh will you look at the time! I've got to go call Hughes to get the brat. Havoc might be in pieces by now. See you Hawkeye." Roy said as he made his rapid escape. Riza sighed.

"See you then, Colonel."

* * *

**A/N: **Forgive me if they seemed OOC at any point there, but I was figuring out a conversation between them. And I didn't want to hint at too much affection. At any rate, here's some out-of-AU Royai to satisfy your tastes folks! I know you hard-core Royai fans were just begging for some.

Up next…Why it sucks to be Roy! This is when I start ripping off and twisting the Hallmark version of Snow White…le sigh D'you think I could break the songfic rule and stick a few songs in once or twice?

And of course, Archer doing what he does best, being a snarketty snark snark! Sorry to all the Archer Fangirls out there…if there ARE any!


	8. Chapter Seven: Love at Second Sight

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Disney, Grimm's Fairy Tales, Hallmark Channel's version of Snow White, or any of the convention videos from YouTube, where the lines come from. Oh, and if you think about it…If I owned FMA, would this really be a _fantasy_, hmm?

**CLAIMER: **I own Rory Fox Mustang and "The Book".

**A/N: **Good afternoon my pretties! And how are you doing? I hope you liked my specially made Royai chapter! Well…okay…hints. At the moment I'm on a giggling-fit RoyEd high, even though I don't like the pairing itself. I mean, it's not my fault I find the Travis proposes to Vic video amusing!

And the two times Vic's been caught on tape saying "Colonel Mustang looks dead Sexy! In a Miniskirt!".

And that time when, after "Roy" (a Roy cosplayer, _**ForeverZeroo**_) dies in a mock battle, he says, "Colonel Mustang is Dead Sexy!" and someone asks, "Is he also sexy dead?". And after a brief pause…

Vic (as Ed): Colonel Mustang is Sexy Dead!

There's also the "A Day In The Life" interview video with Travis and Vic. Someone asks what they would do if they had their characters powers for a day. Funniest moments.

Travis: This looks flammable! (boom) Sweet!

Vic: I'd bring steaks and burgers over to your place.  
Travis: (laughing) Yeah.  
Vic: Travis, medium well. (boom)

Vic: What would I do? I don't know…  
Travis: Oh shut up man! You'd be all 'clap' boom, 'clap' boom, 'clap' boom! (doing alchemy)

Travis: I'd be all groggy in the morning (picks up envelope) what's this? (boom) Bill.

Travis: (makes motions like he's lengthening and shortening Ed's blade)

Vic: I'd turn my blade into a lightsaber. (Fwhing. Fwhing. Fwhing…)

That's enough laughter my pretties. Time to get serious…and laughing again. ROYAI alert in this chapter! That and lots of rambling! I am way to lazy to type properly!!

* * *

_**Snow White and the Eight Dwaves**_  
**A Corrupted Fairytale By: N.C. Stormeye**

_**Chapter Seven: Love At Second Sight…**_

"Can I continue reading here?" Havoc said, managing a cough. "We have thirty more minutes till the Colonel and Hawkeye get back."

"Thirty minutes! Get moving! Get moving!" Breda and Ed urged, hands waving. Havoc let out another pointed clearing of the throat and continued…

--000--000--000--

When Princess Snow White was revealed to be _Prince _Roy…all pandemonium broke loose. Suddenly there was a never-ending line of lady (and gentlemen…urgh) callers on the Palace, so much so that they had to impose visiting hours.

This left Prince Roy an inevitable "Prisoner of His Own Beauty". And so, in cruel irony, he'd sneak out of the palace in what remained of his collection of gowns and makeup and just breathe a little. Of course this was hard considering he now had short hair, but at least he was barely recognizable for now.

Although he couldn't quite shake off the feeling that technically he was now a dragqueen. Or a dragprincess, as the terminology goes.

As luck would have it, he was not alone. Soon after her own unveiling, on the same night as his, Princess Riza of Hawk's Landing had come to stay at the castle. Apparently there were too many stalkers at hers, and until the situation was cleared up, she would stay. This caused extreme elation on King Smarmy-Archer's part, and extreme embarrassment on the part of Prince Roy, who still went by Snow White anyway, out of force of habit.

After all, what if the Princess of Hawk's Landing (she still refused to tell him her name) saw him sneaking out in all his girly finery? He'd be damn screwed to hell for sure!

After all, The Princess of Hawk's Landing was a definite H.P.O.A.

--000--000--000--

"I have a feeling that somebody's going to grow up to be a flirt _just like her uncle_." Ed interjected, poking fun at Rory in revenge for all the crap that happened back in chapters four and five.

"Oh shut up. Havoc made that stuff up, not me."

"HAVOC! You think the Lieutenant is a H.P.O.A.?!" Breda and Fuery stared, goggle-eyed. Sciezska blushed and her face fell for some reason.

"Nope. But I know the Colonel does…"

--000--000--000--

But for all of Roy's attentions to the Princess of Hawk's Landing, he didn't know much about her. And he'd even sent Hughes to go spy on her for awhile. All Hughes was able to shakily report was that the Hawk's Landing princess had the Hawk's Eyes and was an extremely good shot. Read "Scary".

So poor Roy was left up the creek without a paddle. He didn't know the Princess of Hawk's Landing (not even her NAME!!) and he was still wearing more makeup than she was. Well, that last one wasn't too bad. At least he didn't have to part with his precious Strawberry Lipgloss!

Eugh, that's disturbing. Well, at least our little prince isn't gay with his best pal. Now _that _would be EVEN more disturbing, because in real life…his best pal is _married_.

But I digress once again.

Stuck in a rut when it came to his ideal woman, Roy sought solace in his nightly decamping from the castle. Sure, he was dressed as a hideous woman…but at least no one sought to go near him. Actually, he didn't really leave the palace grounds. He just went past the homes of the court ladies into a small, tree-hidden lake. He'd hidden there often as a child and still found it a haven for him to be alone with his thoughts.

For a moment he could forget everything that was real and just think. For even though Prince Roy appeared to be a shallow, conceited fellow-and in part, he was-he did have a thoughtful side. And one which actually wished he wasn't as charming and dapper and dashing.

_Oh, the irony._ He thought bitterly one night as he stared at his make-up laden reflection in the lake. He sighed and threw a stone at the…err…_thing _that stared back at him. This was enough to make anyone depressed. Being a woman again after wishing so long you could live finally as the man you really were. It was, as previously mentioned, _irony_. Sheer _irony_. Thank god Hughes didn't even know about this.

Actually, Hughes was trying to romance the Lady Gracia. And since Hughes wasn't a playboy with a notorious reputation, he was succeeding pretty well. For even though he kept a playboy's company, Hughes was kind of a sweetie. So he was having better luck with _his _true love. Good for him!

His _tete-a-tetes_ with the Lady of Hawk's Landing explained his absence in comforting his forlorn friend. So Roy was left advisor-less to ponder his thoughts in relative silence. Until that night, anyway.

For you see, Princess Riza also had troubles. She was very beautiful after all, and basically was in a similar conundrum to Roy. But while Roy accepted his lot and even toyed with it…silently cursing though…Princess Riza sought only to be businesslike with the matter. She wasn't searching for love…she'd found a bit of it in the sad, mascara-ed eyes of a Prince trapped with a snarky stepfather and an aging and ignorant mother.

But she was pretty, so many men accosted her. So much so that she returned to the guise of a Prince to escape the castle from time to time. On one of these escapes, she found the lake. And the Prince she secretly liked, though she didn't really know much of his name…

"It's you again." She said curtly as she discovered him. Roy turned. Oh, he was busted.

"Well, yeah, actually…"

"I thought you _liked _being a guy."

"Yes, but…"

"Are you _gay _Prince Snow White?" Riza tried to cover her embarrassment with cold and pointed questions. For all of her 'crushing' on him, she knew he was a playboy and would try anything for another notch on his whittled-away bedpost.

"Actually, no. And are you, Princess? You're in men's clothing again." With this comment, Roy had the upper hand. Riza coloured slightly.

"Actually…I'm trying to escape."

"Me too." Roy replied. Riza's head jerked up.

"Really…and I thought you liked having all these women at your beck and call." Riza said, softly, not quite cold. She had a businesslike, open tone to her. There was no guile in it, no honey or sugar or syrup or silk. She was simply talking, not out to seduce. Roy found that's what he liked most in her.

"I do but," Oh crap, way to dig himself a deeper grave, "but honestly? Jeez, these girls don't even know me. I'm just _handsome_ is all."

"That's pretty cliché but…same here. I mean…not the handsome bit but…" Riza sighed, "My father and grandfather want me to be married off as quick as possible, and all the men who have introduced themselves see only a girl trying to make it in a man's world. This is why I've learned to be the way I am, so people take me seriously."

"Yeah well anyway, you look good in pants. Though I'm inclined to think you'd look hot in a skirt. Especially a short one." Roy commented, before hearing a click of a gun.

'Gulp' "I didn't mean it that way."

Riza lowered her gun and scowled. "Please, don't try to seduce me. It's very annoying."

"Sorry…err…I don't even know your name." Roy admitted, slightly embarrassed and frightened. This girl was packing!

"It's Hawkeye, Riza Hawkeye. Yours? Beyond Snow White I mean."

"Mustang. Roy Mustang. The hell with Snow White. Sounds cheesy."

"Nice to meet you then, Mustang."

"You too, Hawkeye."

With that, the two sparked a friendship. They talked endlessly on their lives, bemoaning their fates. Each found it was easy to open up to the other, though Roy did most of the talking. Riza was an avid listener and always gave curt and quick advice.

It was getting to be very late when they returned to the palace. And in the true fairytale fashion that would never happen in real life…sadly enough…by the time they reached the castle gates, it was love at second sight.

Unfortunately, Snarky-King Archer was watching everything. And he didn't particularly relish "Love at second sight". So, with the sight of the two talking fresh in his mind, he hatched an evil, devious plan.

--000--000--000--

"That would never happen in real life. This story's getting cheesy!" Ed complained loudly.

"That's because it's a twisted fairytale and it's supposed to be cheesy for effect!" Rory hissed back.

"Mustang a lipgloss fiend! Kid, you are twisted!" Breda commented.

"Come on guys! We only have half and hour and I'm only halfway done!" Havoc complained.

"You haven't even gotten to the good part Havoc! Let's get moving!" Rory whined.

To be continued…

* * *

**A/N: **CHEESY ROYAI…I've finally achieved the impossible. Very sorry, but it's supposed to be kind of cheesy for effect. Don't worry, there will be REAL, non-cheesy Royai in this story. And mild citrus too, I'm afraid. YES'M, an R-rated Snow White. Well, okay, not really R…

(le sigh) Hope I don't disappoint!


	9. Chapter Eight: The Plot Is Congealing

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Disney, Grimm's Fairy Tales, Hallmark Channel's version of Snow White, or any of the convention videos from YouTube, where the lines come from

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Disney, Grimm's Fairy Tales, or Hallmark Channel's version of Snow White. Oh, and if you think about it…If I owned FMA, would this really be a _fantasy_, hmm?

**CLAIMER: **I own Rory Fox Mustang and "The Book".

**A/N: **I missed Rory to smithereens. So, despite the fact that I sniff am not as devoted as I used to be…seeing as I still celebrate Royai Day, I should at least _try _to finish this thing. I'll _try_. Anyway, this chapter is marked with Archer OOC-ness. But then again, they _all _have to be OOC as the fairytale part of the story is meant to be twisted beyond all reason.

This chapter veers _horribly _away from the original storyline of Snow White. I'd meant to borrow elements from the Hallmark version, but that went out the window instead. And the freakish names for the places come from my playing Kingdom of Loathing for too long. Sorry, am addicted to the point-and-click online game…though I'm not interested in Player-versus-Player combat yet.

But I digress…this should be about Royai, dangit. Well, not this chapter anyway…it's devoted to Archer-bashing. I think Archer-bashing is getting redundant through this plot…but I couldn't really think of another character to bash. However, Rory should explain things in time. She _always _has an explanation.

* * *

_**Snow White and the Eight Dwarves**_  
**A Corrupted Fairytale By: N.C. Stormeye**

_**Chapter Eight: The Plot Thickens To The Point Of Congealing**_

King Archer was, admittedly – and it pains me to admit it – intelligent…albeit in a very strange way. And so, when he realized that his step-son and his object of – this is _really _disturbing – _desire_ were beginning a blossoming romance, the twisted little cogs and wheels in his mind started spinning rapidly out of control, trying to concoct an evil devious scheme to separate them.

While Queen Karin was asleep – which was pretty common as she was an old lady, admittedly – Smarmy-Archer (We'll dispense with 'King', as "Smarmy" is more fitting.) would pad down to his Ultra Super-Secret Lair underneath the castle and plot his step-son's demise. After agonizing hours of thinking and re-thinking, he came up with a deceptively simple plan.

_Kill Prince Roy._

But, seeing as Smarmy-Archer wasn't given to dirtying his hands _himself_, he came up with a suitably convoluted ten-step plan to rid himself of Prince Roy forever…all while seducing – ehem – _charming _the Princess of Hawk's Landing (Smarmy-Archer does not know her name, which gives Roy brownie points.) into falling for _him _(Smarmy-Archer) and getting his hands on her considerable fortune. The convoluted plot went like this:

Step One: Contract a lackey, preferably a female one…but a pseudo-male one (or a eunuch) would do nicely as well. However, a female one would be much more palatable to seduce – ehem – induce into carrying out the evil plot.

Step Two: Have lackey lead Prince Roy into the castle's Hall of Mirrors (a.k.a. Smarmy-Archer's Dressing Room) through an alternate entrance.

Step Three: Lackey will leave Prince Roy in the Hall of Mirrors and rush to the Hidden Back-Door to Unknown Realm concealed in the rear castle wall. It will be _conveniently_ open. Lackey will lock door behind her/him. (Again, preferably _her_.)

Step Four: Lackey will enter Unknown Realm (which isn't really Unknown, just Rarely Visited) and hide in a certain Copse of Gnarled, Spooky, Perverted Groping Trees that make Menacing Figures when one is Running Through Them Like A Hysterical Duck.

Step Five: Smarmy-Archer will enter Hall of Mirrors, feign surprise at Prince Roy's presence in the Hall, and, through the course of a 'fatherly' conversation, hand him a key to the Hidden Back-Door to Unknown/Rarely Visited Realm with the temptation that in said Hidden Back-Door to Unknown/Rarely Visited Realm is a crop of the _rarest _flowers in the kingdom that will be sure to win a lady's heart. Smarmy-Archer will conveniently forget to mention, however, that said flowers are guarded by a herd of horny (as in 'unusually covered in horns') and aggressive warthogs who are usually in heat (making them even _more _aggressive than usual, and inclined to gore people) this time of year.

Step Six: Prince Roy will enter the Hidden Back-Door to Unknown/Rarely Visited Realm where Lackey will be waiting, having isolated a particularly pissed-off warthog and tipped its many horns in poison. (How that is to be done is up to the lackey.)

Step Seven: Lackey will unleash the poisoned warthog upon Prince Roy who – of course – will kill it easily. However, while Prince Roy is occupied killing the warthog, Lackey will usher in a burly Woodsman to stab Prince Roy to death.

Step Eight: While Lackey and Woodsman are busy stabbing Prince Roy to death, Smarmy-Archer will – as if in a state of distraction – approach the Princess of Hawk's Landing and inform her that Prince Roy has gone missing.

Step Nine: Lackey and Woodsman will strip Prince Roy of his jacket and/or overshirt (in medieval times there were a _lot _of articles of clothing) and bloody it considerably. They will then hang aforementioned piece of bloody clothing on a branch near the entrance of the Copse of Gnarled, Spooky, Perverted Groping Trees that make Menacing Figures when one is Running Through Them Like A Hysterical Duck. Smarmy-Archer will then inform the Princess of Hawk's Landing of his conclusion that Prince Roy was ripped to shreds by the Gnarled, Spooky, Perverted Groping Trees that make Menacing Figures when one is Running Through Them Like A Hysterical Duck, and gored to death by the a herd of horny (as in 'unusually covered in horns') and aggressive warthogs who are usually in heat (making them even _more _aggressive than usual, and inclined to gore people) this time of year. The Princess of Hawk's Landing will grieve considerably with Smarmy-Archer, who will pull a distraught act. In the process of grieving, Smarmy-Archer will charm with Princess of Hawk's Landing into seeing the light and falling in love with _him_. Sub-Plan "Landing on the Hawk" ensues. (We don't want to go there…believe me.)

Step Ten: Lackey and Woodsman will return to Smarmy-Archer bearing Prince Roy's _spleen_ as proof that the deed has been done.

Archer was suitably overjoyed at his complicated plot, and was sure that it would bring about Prince Roy's imminent demise. He hooted and cackled, doing a weird ceremonial dance around his Ultra Super-Secret Lair while preening in front of his Magic Mirror. He even _asked _the Magic Mirror if the plan would be successful. To this, the mirror replied, "…It's too _effing _convoluted to understand, much less predict the success rate of."

Smarmy-Archer took that as a 'yes'. If his all-knowing Magic Mirror could not understand his plot, how much more could mere mortals such as Prince Roy and the Princess of Hawk's Landing?

Dun dun duuuuuun…

--000--000--000--

"Wait, why do you hate Archer so much anyway?" Havoc turned to Rory. She shrugged her shoulders

"Long story. I'll tell you guys if we have enough time after we finish this thing." She replied.

"How much longer is this going to be?" Fuery said nervously, eying the door. The minutes kept ticking by.

Rory stared at the clock, and stared at the book, weighing the pages in her hands. "Okay, Havoc, you're fired as the Reader of the Book. Who's good at reading things aloud _fast_?"

All eyes turned to Sciezska who timidly looked down. Rory, with much care, handed the book to her. The red leather-bound volume in her hands seemed to cast a spell on the bookworm. With a newfound confidence, she sat up ramrod-straight and cleared her throat.

"Here goes…"

* * *

**A/N: **Okay, so that was a bit of a nothing-happens chapter. I'm _sorry_, but my plot bunnies died and I had to buy new ones! Rest assured, the story does not go the way Archer's plan goes...in fact, it's going in an entirely more _twisted _direction.

I've yet to get back into the groove. Sorry for the disappointing chapter!! BTW, I need some help. Since Rory will _not _know about the homunculi - those I was originally casting as seven of the eight dwarves - who can I cast in their place? Any ideas? Leave a review with your suggestion. It will be _much _appreciated.


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